4 Tips for Returning to Work After Parental Leave

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We’ll start with the unfortunate truth: the US does not guarantee paid parental leave on a national level, and not all workers qualify for the six weeks of unpaid leave federal law mandates. According to the Washington Post, “Most Americans do not have access to paid family leave through their employer.” 

All of this means that there is no standard for when you return to work after parental leave: it could be six weeks or six months. But regardless, returning to work–for either the birthing person or partner, can be a significant transition. You may be thinking about everything from your energy levels, your schedule, pumping and/or feeding, your partner’s schedule, and how your baby will do without you. Here are 4 things to consider and plan for before you return to work. 

Know what your leave looks like and be open with your employer. 

Long before delivery you may be thinking about your parental leave options–both what your employer offers and what your ideal scenario might be. Be open with your employer and consider asking for something that might make the transition back to work easier. That might include returning part-time at first or working from home. Your employer might also be willing to be flexible in ways that they haven’t shared with you. Ask other employees or your employer directly about how others have returned to work after leave. 

Think about childcare after parental leave, and then come up with a back-up plan. 

You may have come up with the perfect childcare solution: you are returning part-time to work and a friend or family member is baby-sitting on the other days. In 2022, that might be problematic because of changes in school openings due to COVID. Or, the caregiver might have to quarantine after a COVID exposure. Problems could arise simply because they are not as reliable as you would like them to be. Whatever your childcare plan involves after you return to work, come up with a backup plan. If you have a family member caring for baby, what happens if they are sick? 

If you are working from home, remember that you are still working and taking care of baby is also full-time work. Although working from home can make it easier to care of baby, you should still try to have a secondary caregiver available. Some of our clients have utilized our postpartum doulas while working from home to ease that transition. 

Figure out priorities and roles for when return to work after parental leave. 

You partner may have taken little or no time off after baby arrived. But, your transition back to work is still a transition for them as well. Take time to figure out each of your priorities and roles. If you are not a morning person, consider having your partner take care of baby’s or the family’s morning routine. This way, you can get ready for work in the way that you need to. Discuss who will pickup baby or kids from caregivers, daycare, or school. You may have figured out a postpartum plan of who was cooking and cleaning, but you may need to revisit those plans if both partners are back at work. 

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your emotions and ask for help. 

The postpartum period can be difficult: you are adapting to a new family member. If you gave birth, you may be experiencing physical changes in your body as well (link to blog). You are going to have a lot of emotions–from being excited about being back at work to sad that your baby is someone else’s care. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge that whole range of emotions and understand that they are all OK. If you being feeling overwhelmed when you return to work after parental leave, ask for help, whether from your partner, family, friends, or other loved ones.

5 Tips for Your Newborn to Meet Friends and Family

Are you introducing your baby to family and friends this holiday season? Thanksgiving and the winter holidays present a perfect opportunity to gather with loved ones. But because of COVID, you may not have had the chance to have your baby meet everyone yet. And we can all imagine what happens next: everyone wants to hold baby, give them lots of love, and share in the joy. That can be exhausting for you and the baby. Here are some tips for keeping everyone happy when your newborn meets family and friends. 

Manage Everyone’s Expectations When Newborn Meets Friends and Family

Within the first month of bringing baby home, you may not want to have visitors because it can be exhausting. Don’t be afraid to ask guests for help. They can bring a meal, help with household chores, or care for pets and siblings. If you’d rather they spend time with baby, then set them up to care for baby so you can focus on your needs. This might be taking a shower or a nap, eating a meal, or running an errand. 

If you are traveling for the holidays, it is also important to manage everyone’s expectations. Think about spreading out meetings or having multiple events with smaller numbers of people, rather than having one large event with lots of friends and family. 

Be Aware of Germs 

COVID has made us all hyper-aware of germs, but because babies have new immune systems, we should always be careful around them. The minimum hygiene requirements for someone holding baby should be thoroughly washing hands, wearing a mask, and avoiding touching or kissing baby’s face (as hard as that might be for them!). You may also want to limit the exposure to germs carried by younger children who are in daycare or school. Finally, don’t be afraid to ask about family member’s vaccination status. If you are uncomfortable being around someone unvaccinated, it’s OK to say so. 

Think About How Your Baby is Going to React

Even if your baby is just a month old, you’ve already learned how they react to different situations. Keep that in mind as you plan meeting family members and friends over the holidays. You should also prioritize your baby’s needs. First, make sure feedings are consistent with how you’ve been doing them at home. Think about the comfort level for you and your friends or family if you need to breastfeed or pump. If others want to feed baby, make sure they are doing so appropriately. Make sure they are holding baby right and giving the right amount of food. 

Recognize When Your Baby is Overwhelmed 

For a baby who has been at home with one or two primary caregivers for a few months, a room full of people could easily get overwhelming. Use the 5 S’s (swaddle, suck, side, sway and shhh) to reduce external stimulus and calm baby. Also considering creating a relaxation space wherever you are traveling. This can be a space for you, your baby, and partner to relax and get away from the crowd. Consider inviting in one or two people at a time, rather than passing baby around. Bring a portable crib or bassinet to make this space a safe one for baby to sleep in. And, just like feeding times should stay as consistent as possible, try to make nap times consistent as well. 

Make an Exit Strategy 

One easy way to make sure you and your baby stay relaxed is by setting parameters for the visit ahead of time. If someone is coming over to your house, ask them to come for a specific amount of time like dinner, a walk, or an afternoon nap. Be straightforward with your communication, and don’t be afraid to say, “We are going to get ready for bed. Thanks for coming over and bringing us dinner. Please don’t forget your dish!” If you are traveling, you can also say when you have to leave by or make it clear what times you will be visiting. If you are staying with a family member or friend, you can also say you are going to bed (or put baby to bed and slip away, too). 

The holidays with your new baby are a great time to make memories and see people we haven’t seen in a long time. But, the memories are even sweeter when we are as relaxed and healthy as possible. 

Ethical Screen Time: Parenting with Technology

The term ethical screentime sounds like an oxymoron.  No way they both exist at the same time.  But what if it can?

Screens are a part of our life.  As adults, more and more of the functions we used as individual and private services are being moved onto a smart device for easier, faster, and more immediate interaction.

However, as parents, we are warned almost constantly about the dangers of screen time for kids. 

Also, we know the charm and magic of childhood are that the imaginations and curiosity of children explode, hypothetically, when allowed to play.  Playing in this way often does not happen when screens are around.

 

One of the hardest parts of parenting with the intent to promote screen-free-childhoods, or “appropriate screen use”  is the hypocrisy that creeps into the equation.  We, the adults, feel justified and “right” in using our devices, but for kids to have that much time is unhealthy, and not recommended.

We all know it’s not recommended.  But most of us do it.

Could we do screen time better?

It can become a battle to get little people off of their shows and games.  There are tears, and there are fits.  There are very big feelings, on both sides,  when parents interfere with the relationships kids have with their fictional characters.

And that is the thing that is just starting to get understood.  Children intuitively seek relationships.  They do it with almost everyone.  Friends become BEST friends.  Rocks become friends.  Blankets, blocks, books, you name it.  So it makes sense to learn that children form relationships with the characters in the shows they watch.  (It’s not new either.  Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street have been taking advantage of this behavior in educational ways for 50 years!)

And knowing what we know about the human need for belonging and connection, some researchers believe yes, we can do screen time better.

Some of the notions around screen use that have made it to mainstream parenting may sound familiar:

  • set limits and have expectations with appropriate consequences.
  • as your children get more language and more mature, let them be a part of the conversations and let them participate in setting the limits and consequences.
  • And this idea may be new but is useful for you and your kids: before you pick up your phone, say out loud why you are using it.  Are you checking the weather?  Are you sending an email?  Are you playing a game for a little bit?  Making a conscious connection to a sometimes unconscious compulsion can help you realized how mindless some of your screen usages may be.

Addicted to Screens?

There is more recent evidence that may help you understand your role as the parent in helping your children have healthy boundaries with their technology.

Screens and the shows, games, and apps on them are being increasingly described and proven  as “addictive.” 

We all use screens more, and it’s getting harder to have screen-free spaces.  When we are using our screens, it is almost impossible to have a connection with others around us at the same time.

The first three years of your child’s life are packed with neurodevelopment, and up until age 6, your child engages in implicit, not explicit, memory.  Meaning, as psychologist Lisa McCrohan shares, your child’s body remembers, but their cognitive mind does not.  So forming healthy bonds, emotional safety, and strong connections are most important during these young years because it does frame how the child sees the entire world.

One of the fundamental things children need is to feel included.  They need connection to thrive.  So if we are spending these first years letting screens do the relationship building, the neurological pathways that children need to learn how to make connections are not being built to communicate with other people.

They need bonds and connections, and when children do not have those things with the people around them, they will strive to form relationships with the people or things around them, like characters in a favorite show, or game.

Children’s minds are so amazing but also, obviously, not fully formed, so when a beloved show is turned off, if there is no connection to the people outside of the show, the showing going away feels like taking away their best friend for an unknown length of time.  And it is incredibly distressing.

When screens are removed from kids that don’t have healthy boundaries and reliable expectations, there are usually tantrums and wild displays of emotions.  Parents often turn to punishment, separation, or threaten their connection to beloved people or items in an effort to get them to behave – such as taking away screen time or making them sit apart from a group.

The problem is that when parents punish, shame, and threaten behavior from a small person who does not have the emotional development to regulate their feelings, they also weaken the connection between the child and themselves.  No trust is built.  There is no expectation of relationship to fill the gap.  So what is a parent to do?

Screen time and building relationships:

1) Start with what you know: set limits and expectations both for screen time and for relationship building with family members/ friends/ and community members.  When can they expect to have it?  When can they expect to be with family members without screens for the intent of building familial bonds?

2) As a parent, understand your influence and how your behaviors are impacting your children’s view of what is acceptable.  If your children copied your habits, would you be all right with that?

3) Understand that one of the basic needs of children is to belong, and look at how your family shows they love and connect.  With young children, it often means lots unconditional love, eye contact, proximity to one another, and repetitive games.

4) Each child may have unique strengths that you will need to spend time understanding. Relationship building could look like asking for help.  Or it could look like inviting them to run an errand.  Or it could be working on a project together.  It could also be as simple as you the adult, sharing what it was like for you to learn the things your child is learning.

Belonging is fostered when other’s opinions and thoughts are viewed as valuable.  So ask about your child’s thoughts.   Validate them comments, effort, and their physical presence.  Continue to engage by encouraging conversation with questions, eye contact, and respectful replies.

Screens can be a part of your family.  But they aren’t your family, and you have to model behavior that shows your kids there is belonging and connection outside of their electronic device.

Written by Ariel Swift

Having A Baby In Your 30’s: Where Did Your Friends Go?

This is to the people having babies in their 30’s. It is a bit of a whirlwind. Maybe you are at this juncture because of professional choices. Perhaps now is the start of parenting because of earlier heartache. Or maybe you have been terrified of how to afford a kid, and now you finally can.

But you’re here. And one huge surprise is that your friends are not. So, where did they go?

Read more

New Parent Advice That Is Actually Horrible

As long-standing professionals in the birth industry, we at Doulas of Baltimore are exposed both to professional suggestions for how to parent, and opinions based on lore. Shockingly, some of the most “tried and true” pieces of new parent advice that have been passed down from are perpetuating lies.

How?

Either the bits of advice are unsafe, or they perpetuate stereotypes that make a new parent’s first days even more difficult than they already are. Also, isn’t the whole point of advice is to have learned wisdom from those who come before?

Here are a few pieces of “Advice” we wish would go away (in no particular order):

1. “Sleep when the baby is sleeping.”

What most people mean when they say this is when your baby takes a nap during the day, you should take a nap too. However, for most, this is unrealistic. Babies sleep in different cycles than adults, so having the capacity to nap and have that nap be restful, is not necessarily a correlation that makes sense for most new parents.

Also, for most modern day parents, when a child is napping is usually when they can tend to themselves if they do not have help – like shower, eat, and communicate with other adults; do activities that help them restore a feeling of personal autonomy, or help to organize what is happening or needs to happen next in their life.

For most families, this piece of advice does nothing but increase the feeling that as a new parent, you are out of your league.

We say ditch this one as soon as possible.

2. “Don’t leave the house until 40 days have passed.”

Many cultural customs are becoming more mainstream. One of them is the postpartum traditions of being cared for and nurtured for 40 days after birth.

It sounds idealistic.
It sounds lovely.
It sounds downright mythical.

One of the realities not discussed when this piece of advice is shared is the reality that modern parents are usually responsible for getting their infants to medical appointments in the first weeks of life. Also, beyond these appointments (for some who choose homebirth, these appointments may happen in their home) many healing parents are not equipped to be isolated from support systems that are only accessible by venturing out.

It may seem silly to say seeing your favorite barista is part of your healing process after birth, but we’ve heard the stories of women who needed to get out of the house with their baby.

They needed the escape.
They needed a view of their old normalcy.
They needed to see their friend!

Not leaving your house for 40 days is only possible when there are systems in place to fulfill all physical and emotional needs of healing parents, AND the desire is present in the parents themselves. If this is advice place on a family and feels like a punishment, it has the potential to harm.

3. “Don’t take your baby outside before they are two months old.”

This little gem of advice is similar to the last “advice” in that it plants the seed that healing is equated with being secluded and at home. It is common knowledge that infants have a compromised immune system, and, it is possible to have an outing with small babies before they reach the CDC’s recommended time for starting a vaccine schedule.

For many new parents, feeling confined for this period can negatively impact their mental health, while also sending the wrong message about how germs travel through the general public.

If you feel like you are on pins and needles and taking your baby for an outing would help you, there are ways to make this happen that can be beneficial for you, and can be safe for your baby.

4. “Don’t even start pacifiers, because you will never get rid of that thing.”

While this piece of parent advice shared from a place of good intentions, it is usually a reflection of personal experience gone awry.

Pacifiers are a tool.
They can be used in various situations.
They can be used successfully with babies who are fed by breastmilk, and formula both.

While there is no guarantee that your child will use a pacifier, trying it as a way to help soothe a baby with a need for oral stimulation is often a great help to parents.

If you feel scared to give your child a pacifier, be it because of a breastfeeding professional, a parenting book, or a story your friend shared, let us help you learn when and how a pacifier can be useful.