This is to the people having babies in their 30’s. It is a bit of a whirlwind. Maybe you are at this juncture because of professional choices. Perhaps now is the start of parenting because of earlier heartache. Or maybe you have been terrified of how to afford a kid, and now you finally can.
As long-standing professionals in the birth industry, we at Doulas of Baltimore are exposed both to professional suggestions for how to parent, and opinions based on lore. Shockingly, some of the most “tried and true” pieces of new parent advice that have been passed down from are perpetuating lies.
How?
Either the bits of advice are unsafe, or they perpetuate stereotypes that make a new parent’s first days even more difficult than they already are. Also, isn’t the whole point of advice is to have learned wisdom from those who come before?
Here are a few pieces of “Advice” we wish would go away (in no particular order):
What most people mean when they say this is when your baby takes a nap during the day, you should take a nap too. However, for most, this is unrealistic. Babies sleep in different cycles than adults, so having the capacity to nap and have that nap be restful, is not necessarily a correlation that makes sense for most new parents.
Also, for most modern day parents, when a child is napping is usually when they can tend to themselves if they do not have help – like shower, eat, and communicate with other adults; do activities that help them restore a feeling of personal autonomy, or help to organize what is happening or needs to happen next in their life.
For most families, this piece of advice does nothing but increase the feeling that as a new parent, you are out of your league.
We say ditch this one as soon as possible.
Many cultural customs are becoming more mainstream. One of them is the postpartum traditions of being cared for and nurtured for 40 days after birth.
One of the realities not discussed when this piece of advice is shared is the reality that modern parents are usually responsible for getting their infants to medical appointments in the first weeks of life. Also, beyond these appointments (for some who choose homebirth, these appointments may happen in their home) many healing parents are not equipped to be isolated from support systems that are only accessible by venturing out.
It may seem silly to say seeing your favorite barista is part of your healing process after birth, but we’ve heard the stories of women who needed to get out of the house with their baby.
Not leaving your house for 40 days is only possible when there are systems in place to fulfill all physical and emotional needs of healing parents, AND the desire is present in the parents themselves. If this is advice place on a family and feels like a punishment, it has the potential to harm.
This little gem of advice is similar to the last “advice” in that it plants the seed that healing is equated with being secluded and at home. It is common knowledge that infants have a compromised immune system, and, it is possible to have an outing with small babies before they reach the CDC’s recommended time for starting a vaccine schedule.
For many new parents, feeling confined for this period can negatively impact their mental health, while also sending the wrong message about how germs travel through the general public.
If you feel like you are on pins and needles and taking your baby for an outing would help you, there are ways to make this happen that can be beneficial for you, and can be safe for your baby.
While this piece of parent advice shared from a place of good intentions, it is usually a reflection of personal experience gone awry.
Pacifiers are a tool.
They can be used in various situations.
They can be used successfully with babies who are fed by breastmilk, and formula both.
While there is no guarantee that your child will use a pacifier, trying it as a way to help soothe a baby with a need for oral stimulation is often a great help to parents.
You’ve welcomed a new baby into your home, you’re feeling up to getting out of the house together, and you’ve picked a location! Now what?
Taking a day trip with a tiny one can seem daunting, whether you’re traveling on vacation or just going to the grocery store. Babies seem to need so much stuff. With some doula-tested strategies and an eye on streamlining your packing process, you CAN manage to enjoy the big world outside without feeling like a pack horse in the process! Try our tips below for stress-free errands and excursions, no matter where you go.
Before you decide what to bring with you when you go out and about, you need to decide where you’re going to put it all. Enter the trusty diaper bag! Diaper bags have come a long way in recent years, incorporating everything from insulated bottle compartments to holes for earbuds to thread through. Choose a bag that’s both sturdy in construction and fitting for your lifestyle. Are you outdoorsy, or will your bag be doubling as a board room briefcase some days? Do you love bold patterns, or traditional neutrals? Take space into consideration too- will you be packing cloth or disposable diapers? Are you traveling with multiple children? This will make a difference! Make sure whichever bag you choose has multiple interior and exterior pockets and compartments. Items stay more organized (and thus easy to access quickly) when they each have a designated place.
The best way to simplify your days out with baby is to bring only what you’ll actually need. While this can vary widely from family to family, try not to plan for every possibility under the sun. Leave surplus supplies in your car if you’ll be too far from home to pop back in quickly for unexpected emergencies. Include the basics – diapers, wipes, and a change of clothes, then branch out. Think of what baby will need to eat (will you need a bottle?), what the weather will be like (sun hat?), and if at all possible – multi-purpose! Blankets can also be changing pads and sun shades (we love these classic muslin style). Bibs can also be spit rags. Frozen water bottles can keep milk cold while doubling as a drink for you when they thaw. Leave the heaps of toys & gadgets at home.
Don’t just think about what you’ll bring along when you venture out – think about what you and baby will be wearing! Dressing for success doesn’t end at the office. When venturing out with little ones, what you and they wear can make or break how enjoyable our day is.
For parents, dressing in comfortable layers and choosing clothing with pockets can be hugely beneficial! No one ever plans for spit up or diaper leaks, but they happen. Being able to easily cover a small stain temporarily with a cardigan or scarf or making your undershirt your “over-shirt” can save your day from ending abruptly.
Keys and phones are easy to lose when juggling a baby and diaper bag. You set them down, turn around, and suddenly can’t remember where you saw them last. Keep them close in pockets when possible and avoid the hassle the search altogether.
For baby, we all know how cute ruffles and buckles are on small humans!
But when out and about, think minimalism on baby. Headbands get pulled off and lost, buckles can pinch in car seats (no one loves a crying baby on a commute), and outfits without snap-bottoms are both inconvenient and messy should a diaper disaster occur. Dress baby is breathable fabrics with quick access for diaper changes and outfit swaps. You’ll save yourself time and have the bonus of a more comfortable kiddo! We love snap-bottom rompers like this one during summer – they wash and wear great and can easily be paired with a sweater on chilly evenings.
Remember that every outing is a new chance to learn and make memories with your baby, no matter how small the reason! It’s okay to forget things and make mistakes. Like most things, the more you practice, the more confidence you gain. So get out there- the world is waiting!
A few weeks ago, lying in my bed having finally gotten the littlest kid to sleep, I checked in with my body for the first time in…well I’m not sure, really. Racing, worrying mind: check. Shoulders and neck tense and sore: check. Generally feeling run down, exhausted, and like my body was not functioning optimally: check! I realized it had been too long. I picked up my phone and scheduled 3 acupuncture appointments for myself right then.
With a three year old and a one year old keeping me running all day (and often night too), I’m pretty much in the weeds with this mothering thing. It’s been nearly four years since I’ve had the pleasure of a full night of sleep. My toddler is incredibly busy and a fearless risk taker. There is rarely a moment in the day while she is in my care that doesn’t require constant vigilance to keep her safe from her own impulses. And for all the sweet, precocious blessings of my three-year old’s saner moments there are equal and opposite moments of hard-to-predict tantrum insanity. It can get pretty nutty.
These are not complaints. I know too well the pain of yearning to bear children without success and I don’t take my family for granted. This is just my reality right now. My exhausting reality.
The culture of motherhood is often one of self-sacrifice. It is automatic as a new mother to put your own needs aside to tend to the needs of the babe. That’s basically a biological necessity in the early days with an infant. But it easily can become a habit to just soldier on, denying oneself the care constantly bestowed upon the family. In my case that tendency creeps in without me even realizing it. Eventually I tune in to find my stress level ratcheted up to 11 and only then realize my self-care has gone out the window. Take one depleted, exhausted mama and add in the nearly constant energetic demands of two growing kids (not to mention those of a busy acupuncture practice and house to keep) and it’s easy to see how some of the more demanding moments may be met with frustration, overwhelm and tension. It ain’t pretty, folks.
Here’s the thing: I know that I am better able to field family demands with patience, presence and creativity when I am tending to my own needs physically, emotionally and spiritually. I see the pillars of self-care as attention to nutrition, movement, adequate rest and moments of still presence and reflection. But when I am off-center and depleted even the thought of taking on these pursuits makes me tired and overwhelmed. It is this state that has me know I need my acupuncturist as she helps me recalibrate. Just creating the time for an appointment can seem daunting, but I know once I make the time the only work I need do is to show up and allow myself to be taken care of by another person.
Acupuncture treatment helps me to tune in and feel with clarity what my needs are. By putting me back in the center of my orbit and reconnecting me with my body, treatment renews my commitment to those pillars of self-care. Even if it’s a renewed focus and energy for just one piece of daily self-care, from that flows a better ability to be present to my mothering tasks with patience and ease. It’s common sense and also one of the principles of Chinese Medicine that when the mother thrives the child does as well. Tending myself IS tending my family, and well worth the attention!
I’m lucky to experience this awareness from both the giving and receiving end with acupuncture. What I provide as an acupuncture practitioner is a place to be heard and to reflect on your body’s feelings and functions. What a gift for a mother to spend an hour focused entirely on herself! We identify what is not going as smoothly as it could and with the assistance of needles and essential oils we remind the body of balance, wellness and ease. The benefit of re-centering your energy can be seen in various ways. Getting relief from tense or painful body conditions has an immediate effect on mood and patience. With a calmer, slower mental landscape we are better able to respond to challenges and less prone to overreactions. With the boost to our spirit and a feeling of connectedness that acupuncture provides, our relationships can proceed more thoughtfully and mindfully and we are better able to be the person we aspire to be. I may not be able to provide a good night of sleep or more hours in the day and sometimes that’s just not in the cards with little ones in the game. I get it. But acupuncture treatment has proven time and again to be a powerful tool in helping me to be my best self. The version of me that I hope to offer my family as much as possible.
It would be my pleasure to help you to do the same.
Lauren Potts, L.Ac, has been supporting Baltimore area residents, mothers or otherwise for nearly a decade. You can find her practice in north Baltimore at Blue Green Acupuncture and Bodywork.
On any given day, of any given year, in Baltimore, Maryland a 7 pound newborn baby can bring the most educated, successful adults to their knees. Read more
Doulas of Baltimore, a full-service doula agency, has been providing exceptional care for growing Baltimore families since 2014. Childbirth classes, pregnancy & birth doula support, and in-home postpartum support & newborn care.
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