Tag Archive for: new parents

Tips for Sex & Romance After Baby

When Valentine’s Day approaches and spring is on the horizon, romance is in the air and on the mind. But what happens when you have a new baby and your body is not the body you’ve been accustomed to using for romantic pursuits, or when you’re bone-tired and out of sorts and not exactly thrilled with your partner, or when you really, really want it but can’t figure out how to get it? When the thought of a Valentine’s celebration or a tryst with your partner leaves you panicked rather than thrilled, it’s time to rethink your approach, recreate patterns of engagement, and reopen lines of communication that might have been waylaid following the birth of your new tiny family member.

Let’s take a look at the obstacles that may block you from a satisfying encounter. First, and obviously, there’s the matter of physical healing and changes. Whether you’ve given birth vaginally or via cesarean section, your body has gone through an elemental and dramatic event, and healing takes time. Share with your partner everything your medical provider has told you about recovery from labor and delivery, and be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling and what you need. While textbooks might say you need 6 weeks to recover, many birthing people find it takes them longer to feel like ‘themselves’ again.

Is my body even mine anymore?

Parents of young children often express feeling that they’re “touched out” by the constant contact with little bodies, and so by the time a partner comes looking for some action, the looming possibility of one more touch is enough to send the primary caregiver hiding in a dark closet. If this sounds familiar, the solution is often as simple as some alone time before you attempt to engage with your partner. Don’t take pity on your partner and give in to something you’re not physically ready for; instead, use this opportunity to advocate for yourself and talk openly about your concerns and possible solutions. Intimacy after childbirth often requires a bit more flexibility in your routines as well. You may find that what worked pre-baby, isn’t quite right any longer, and your new postpartum body requires a bit more patience. Take the changes as an exciting cue to learn as a couple, just like you did when you were first together!

Lack of time and space

The logistics of time and space can also interfere with romance, even if you feel physically ready. You and your partner may be exhausted, particularly if one or both of you have returned to work. There’s so much to do around the house, always! And the baby needs to be fed, and older children need so much, so it’s natural to assume that dating and sex will have to be shelved indefinitely. If you are a room-sharing family, you may need to be creative about where nighttime fun time will happen (and there’s nothing wrong with a little creativity!) if it’s going to happen at all. Couples who manage to set up a routine of connection, no matter how quick or simple, will find that they have paved the road for further intimacy when things settle down around the home. A morning kiss, a two-minute hug, a sexy text, a shared weekly podcast to listen to—find something that works for both of you and has nothing to do with babies or household concerns, and stick with it.

Sex and Romance After a Baby? How??

The tips our clients have thanked us for:

  • If you are breastfeeding, introducing a bottle when you feel that your nursing routine is secure can free you up to escape the house for a date night. (A postpartum doula is happy to help with that!)
  • And if you are not in a position to leave baby behind, find a new and interesting outing for the three of you and call it a date.
  • If you’ve been living without a shower or your normal beauty routine since your new one arrived, take a little time to find an outfit and accessories that make you feel great, and remind you of how it felt to be yourself before you became a parent. You may want to hit some sales and find a new outfit to fit your new post-baby body!
  • Compliment your mate on what a great parent they are, and remind them of your last amazing date. Your goal is to set the stage for both of you to feel like two people who remember that they love and miss each other, and who want to make each other a priority.

Communication is the key

Couples who have made their relationships last for decades will tell you that the backbone for success is having open lines of communications. Many partners fear asking for what they want, and may dread criticism or fear rejection, so end up avoiding difficult conversations. It’s particularly common to feel vulnerable when emotions are high, hormones are out of whack, and sleep is a distant memory, but this is precisely the time when asking for what you need is essential.

There are professionals for this??

Don’t discount the benefits of professional help either- if you’re struggling to get your groove back after baby, seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist, talk with a counselor, or reach out to your care provider if you feel your hormones are playing a more significant role than some minor lack in libido. Setting aside some couple time to check in with each other and support each other will pay rewards both short term and long term. Whether that couple time means a fancy dinner, or sitting on a bench in a park with cups of espresso and watching the setting sun together, is up to you.

You may find that taking the lead and asking for what you want is precisely what your partner is hoping for; your new role as parent may have them walking on eggshells around you, and they may not know how or when you want to be touched or how best they can take care of you. With some advanced planning, patience, humor, and grace, you will find that you can reclaim romance, and that it can be deeper and more meaningful than ever. Happy loving!

Getting the sleep you (and your newborn) need!

Who among us doesn’t treasure a great night’s sleep? And how many new or expectant parents have heard the horror stories of newborn sleep skills (or lack thereof!) and their parents who can’t recall the last time they woke up in the morning feeling refreshed? There’s no denying that finding a way to get some good rest is a challenge in the early months of new parenthood, so let’s talk about it!

Babies Sleep, Just Not the Way We’d Like!

First, let’s explore what to expect from your baby at night, and why they do what they do. The first three months of an infant’s life are commonly referred to as the “Fourth Trimester”. During this time their physical and emotional development that began in the womb are completed. Their brains begin the process of learning by association and are busy sorting out the world. Their bodies are learning to eat and sleep with purpose, and they need their parents’ help to develop patterns which will help their systems regulate.

With their tiny tummies, newborns need to eat every three to four hours at night. Parents might wish for a great night’s sleep, the health and survival of their baby is likely to demand otherwise for a while. Day and night are still meaningless to them, and their circadian rhythm has yet to develop, so their bodies aren’t giving them cues to sleep just because night has come.

If you’ve done any research or talked to other parents, you have seen and heard lots of advice on how to get your baby to sleep, some of which directly contradicts other recommendations. You may be left confused and anxious. And wondering how you are supposed to know the best way to get it right from the beginning. While the task at hand can seem monumental and overwhelming, some simple steps can get you and your babies on the right track for excellent rest. 

Basics of Safe, Comfortable Newborn Sleep

Start with the basics – a safe sleep surface such as a crib or bassinet with no additional blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, bumpers, or cushions. Next, decide where in the home baby will be sleeping. Will you be rooming in for a few weeks, or starting from day 1 in the nursery? Both have their pros and cons, and only you can make the choice about what will get your family the best rest possible! Some families find having baby close at hand makes responding to their needs at night quicker and less overall distracting from peaceful sleep. Others find they hear every little noise, and thus need the distance of a wall between them and baby so they can actually fall asleep in between feeding and soothing sessions.

Sleep Associations – use them!

Next, let’s talk about comfort and routine. Building healthy sleep associations from day 1 can actually help mitigate the need for intense sleep training months later. All babies are born with a biological need to feel safe, secure, and soothed whether it’s day or night. How do we meet those needs while we rest? 

  1. Womb Service. During the day, babies are often happy to sleep anywhere, through any amount of noise and light. But when it comes to nighttime sleep, it really helps to think about recreating the environment your baby just left. What about it can be translated into a safe and soothing aid for sleeping in your home? Baby’s room should be dark (think black out curtains!). Set a comfortable temperature without drafts (68-72 degrees, though cooler is better than warmer for babies). Lastly, add ambient white noise to muffle the minor disruptions from the rest of the household.
  2. Swaddle. Babies sleep better when swaddled in their first weeks! Why? They’ve been swaddled their whole lives in the cushy, cozy environment of the womb before birth. The trick is getting a snug, secure swaddle that baby can’t easily wriggle out of. Hell hath no fury like a baby who got their arm out of a swaddle before they were really ready to wake up! Velcro and snap swaddle pods are appealing, but if your newborn is particularly tiny, they often don’t get tight enough. Stick to the tried and true large, muslin swaddle blankets and a good old fashioned baby-burrito-wrap. Check out the video demo on our YouTube channel, or let us teach you in person. Our postpartum doulas are often deemed magical when we show parents how we swaddle during a night shift! 
  3. Soothe. Babies are born with a biological need to suck for comfort and as a prevention from SIDS. Sucking actually helps them regulate their breathing! If you don’t want to or can’t nurse an infant 24/7, they’re going to have to fulfill this need elsewhere. Pacifiers are an indispensable tool in healthy newborn sleep in this regard! A well-fed infant who is steadily gaining weight can safely be offered a pacifier for sleep soothing without concern it will impact their feeding relationship. 

Don’t Try to Keep Them Up!

While at first it might seem counterintuitive, sleep begets sleep. Set a consistent nap routine as soon as you are able during the day. Overtired infants are actually harder to get to sleep. Newborns should generally not stay awake between naps more than 45 minutes to 1 hour (for more on periods of wakefulness as baby ages, see Precious Little Sleep). Watching for signs and signals your newborn is ready for rest is just as key as setting the right tone for their sleep environment. Avoiding meltdowns from exhaustion means noticing your baby’s sleep cues. Do they start to rub their eyes, ears, neck, or head? Do they give you a ‘thousand yard stare’ with half-drooping eyelids? Are they yawning repeatedly? Don’t wait for your baby to start crying to get them ready for sleep. Instead, pay attention to the signs and jump right into their sleep routine.

Sleep When Baby Sleeps??

While the old adage ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ still rings true to a point, often it’s easier said than done. Sometimes your brain just isn’t wired for rest when your baby lies down. To the best of your ability, at least practice periods of quiet when your baby naps during the day. If you can’t actually sleep, definitely don’t take that precious naptime as an opportunity to catch up on every household chore you’ve been missing. Lie down, read a book, or watch a show. On another day go sit outside in the sunshine for a bit. Take a shower. And always make sure to grab something nutritious to snack on and rehydrate. Even small periods of wakeful rest can do wonders for your outlook when a tiny baby has your schedule out of whack.

Prioritize Nighttime Sleep

When it comes to night sleep, getting your own rest becomes even more important than during the day. Your postpartum recovery and mental health depend on getting adequate rest. Even the most well-adjusted babies wake multiple times a night with needs to be met. Prioritize the help of a partner swapping off changing duties if you’re the primary feeding parent, if possible. Doulas of Baltimore can step in to give expert and compassionate care to your newborn while you sleep the night away, and without interrupting your feeding relationship or bonding experience. A professional postpartum doula or Newborn Care Specialist is there to make sure that you wake feeling as rested and refreshed as possible.

Keep the faith! Long winter nights eventually give way to sunny spring mornings. And your tiny, sleepless offspring develop into a more mature and settled creature who can tell night from day. Like the countless families who came before you and will follow in your footsteps, you will become a rested, confident parent who will grow to treasure your nighttime time with your child, whether it’s a bath, an evening stroll around the neighborhood, or the 900th reading of Goodnight Moon.

Baby Blues in Winter: How the Season Can Affect Your Postpartum Emotions

Here’s a scenario that’s all too familiar among parents of newborns: after 40 weeks or so of the excitement and tribulations of pregnancy and labor, you are finally home with your long-awaited bundle of love. You’re trying to settle in and it seems like you are surrounded, as Maggie Rogers sings, “with everyone around me saying ‘You must be so happy now’.” But rather than feeling happy, you are frequently miserable, or overwhelmed, or having second thoughts about this invader in your home. So why aren’t you happy? What’s wrong with you, or with your partner, that you aren’t feeling the glow? 

Welcoming a new human to your family is a monumental change, especially if it’s your first child (though these feelings are in no way limited to parents who have given birth for the first time.) Bodies need recovery time, hormones are wacky, questions and worries abound, and sleep is hard to find. It’s an easy recipe for a stew of sadness and difficulty, so no parent should ever feel any shame about being less than ecstatic in this time of expected joy.

Baby blues or postpartum depression?

The majority of newly postpartum parents experience what’s known medically and commonly as the “baby blues.” Most often experienced by the person who gave birth, it may be felt by any parent, and typically shows up within a few days after their newborn. It can easily be misinterpreted as postpartum depression, which lasts longer and has more serious symptoms (for a quick explanation of the difference by the Mayo Clinic, watch this one minute video). For more detailed information on recognizing postpartum depression,  read the Mayo Clinic’s patient care page; if you suspect you may have postpartum depression, please contact your medical provider as soon as you are able.

The American Pregnancy Association has an excellent article exploring the symptoms of the baby blues. Postpartum doulas are familiar with and trained to help parents grappling with the baby blues, and our clients at Doulas of Baltimore find that having the extra hands to help and wisdom to guide can help them through these weeks of changing emotions, duties, and family dynamics. The most important thing you can do is find a way to practice self-care, which may sound impossible during this time! But even a few quiet moments each day for yourself can make a big difference, whether it’s a full meal, a walk outside, or a few minutes of meditation.

Getting through wintertime with a new baby

Baby blues can strike especially hard during the winter; indeed, many of the symptoms feel the same as those of Seasonal Affective Disorder, and the coping mechanisms look similar. Light is so important for all of us during the winter! Newborns do not need a dark room to sleep, and letting them sleep in full light during the day helps regulate their circadian rhythms, so keep the sunlight coming in during the day as much as you can. Pull a comfy chair over to a sunny window during feeding times and soak it in. Grab yourself a tall glass of water while you’re at it, because hydration is your best friend (fruit-infused water feels luxurious and festive, so pop in a slice of orange or some cranberries or cucumber if you’re able).

The optimal sleeping temperature for babies, by the way, is between 62 and 68 degrees, so cuddle up in cozy blankets and slippers and wrap yourself in warmth, rather than upping the thermostat. And don’t be afraid to get outside in the cold weather! Getting some fresh air into your lungs feels invigorating, and interacting with nature has proven emotional and physical benefits. Wrap yourself up, either with or without baby, and see the sights and smell the smells.

Healthy foods and a pretty table

  • Eating well is a cornerstone of recovery during the postpartum period, so enlist whatever help you can to make that happen.
  • Grocery delivery, meals from neighbors, partners who put in the time in the kitchen, and a rejection of new parent martyrdom are all helpful strategies to make sure you’re getting nutritious food into your belly.
  • Sugar and yeast are dysfunctional partners, so try to limit how much of it you eat and drink.
  • If you have a whole chicken, a bottle of barbecue sauce, and a crockpot, you have a meal waiting for you.
  • A bag of clementines helps your vitamin intake and your bathroom output, and looks pretty in a bowl on your table. Pretty things are important to your outlook and should not be dismissed during these weeks!
  • Speaking of…Fresh flowers from Trader Joe’s can be had for $5 and look lovely on your bedside table.
Be sure to prioritize couple time

If you have the support of a partner at home, use them as much as you can, and recognize that the struggle is real for them, too. This period is rife with stress and changing couple dynamics, and it may be a time to waive the “never go to bed angry” rule for a bit, if you employ it. Keep talking, keep granting amnesty for minor infractions, and keep the faith that this time will sort itself out. Couples often have trouble asking for what they need, but this is a perfect time to start. One thing you will probably need is time alone without the baby, even if it’s just a quiet candlelit bath or an hour to grab coffee with your mom. Plan for it and insist on it, even if the exact timing has to be altered because of your baby’s needs.

The baby blues can feel endless, but will become a blip on your memory timeline as the weeks pass and your body and emotions adjust to your new family reality. Again, if the blues don’t pass within a few weeks, please talk to your provider about the possibility of postpartum depression. Like most phases of infant life, the blues fade away and something new to focus on and master comes along. Love yourself, care for yourself, and allow yourself to be cared for! Journal your feelings, take your feelings for a walk, and acknowledge them as valid and normal, and you should find that all will be well.

Holiday gifts every new parent needs (and a few they don’t!)

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Here come the winter holidays! So you observe a gift-giving tradition? Therefore, you’ve likely felt moments of confusion and panic over what to give your loved ones. And if you’re expecting, may not know how to answer the questions from those who love you about what you’d like this year. However, if you’ve recently had a baby shower, you might feel like presents are more than you need right now. And if you would like to give holiday gifts to the new parent on your loved ones list, you may think there’s nothing left that they need. But fear not! In the seasonal spirit of giving, Doulas of Baltimore is here to give you a list of perfect solutions to your dilemma.

Ideas to consider skipping

First, we will clear some potential ideas for holiday gifts for new parents off your list. New parents are frequently short on sleep and patience. As a result, they do not appreciate toys that make loud or repetitive noises, so avoid those! While newborn clothing is easy to shop for and seems downright irresistible, chances are good that parents of infants have an ample supply already of these tiny wardrobe builders. And newborns outgrow them in a matter of weeks. For practical purposes, you can also skip over infant snow suits. And while infant sleep positioners may look like a useful and valued gift, the evidence says that many of them are unsafe and as a result should be avoided.

What’s left, then? So much good stuff! We present to you some items and services that make great holiday gifts every new parent is likely to use and value.

Holiday gifts for new parents that do make the list!

Modern diaper bag

First off, parents know that diaper bags are essential, and good ones are worth their weight in holiday gold. This backpack from TwelveLittle is packed with features and comes in style-forward unisex colors, and even has a tech pocket for a laptop for multitasking parents.

Versatile baby carrier

A good baby carrier is a must for families! Because whether you’re on the go or getting things done around home, a carrier makes all the difference. This one from Baby Tula has an innovative design that allows parents to carry baby either front or back of the body. You’ll love the quick-adjusting straps for multiple wearers. And this carrier grows with your little one. Use it up to 45 pounds!

Infant sleep monitor

Anyone who’s ever heard anyone talk about life with newborns knows that good sleep is everything. The Owlet is an ingenius baby sleep monitor that parents have raved over. It is a far cry from anything parents of previous generations could have imagined. Check it out here: Owlet.

Simple white noise machine

Since good sleep is always a priority for new parents, white noise machines have been increasingly popular. Families love them for their sleep-assisting properties. And this one from HoMedics is a solid, affordable choice, perfect for families traveling over the holidays. 

Lasting, quality clothing

If, above all, you cannot resist the allure of buying clothing for that adorable baby, look for high-quality design and comfortable fabrics. Also buy in larger sizes that they can grow into. Therefore, check out Hanna Andersson which is a Swedish company that uses organic cotton in many of its products. They design their clothing in European sizing that allows for growth. If you buy a size 70 now would mean baby could wear the clothing next spring and summer. 

Toy subscription box

Since it takes some research off their plate, busy parents appreciate a subscription box arriving at the door with no planning or errand running involved. LovEvery provides kits packed with developmentally sound toys and products for growing babies, and the kits are backed by a line-up of impressive endorsements  

Best support money can buy

Another winning option for holiday gifts every new parent could use is a package of in-home postpartum doula services. A postpartum doula provides a range of services to help ease families into a happy and healthy new life together. Whether lending a hand to set up the nursery or sharing expertise for childbirth recovery, your doula is there for you! From infant feeding and sleep habits to assistance with older sibling care and light household tasks – our team of postpartum professionals and newborn care specialists from Doulas of Baltimore is here to help. To make it easy, we provide gift certificates for family and friends to purchase. Add it to your baby registry or holiday wishlist!

Happy shopping, and happy holidays!

 

Tending the Mother: Acupuncture as Self-Care for Busy Parents

A few weeks ago, lying in my bed having finally gotten the littlest kid to sleep, I checked in with my body for the first time in…well I’m not sure, really.  Racing, worrying mind: check. Shoulders and neck tense and sore: check. Generally feeling run down, exhausted, and like my body was not functioning optimally: check! I realized it had been too long. I picked up my phone and scheduled 3 acupuncture appointments for myself right then.

With a three year old and a one year old keeping me running all day (and often night too), I’m pretty much in the weeds with this mothering thing. It’s been nearly four years since I’ve had the pleasure of a full night of sleep. My toddler is incredibly busy and a fearless risk taker. There is rarely a moment in the day while she is in my care that doesn’t require constant vigilance to keep her safe from her own impulses. And for all the sweet, precocious blessings of my three-year old’s saner moments there are equal and opposite moments of hard-to-predict tantrum insanity. It can get pretty nutty.

These are not complaints. I know too well the pain of yearning to bear children without success and I don’t take my family for granted. This is just my reality right now.  My exhausting reality.

The culture of motherhood is often one of self-sacrifice. It is automatic as a new mother to put your own needs aside to tend to the needs of the babe. That’s basically a biological necessity in the early days with an infant. But it easily can become a habit to just soldier on, denying oneself the care constantly bestowed upon the family. In my case that tendency creeps in without me even realizing it. Eventually I tune in to find my stress level ratcheted up to 11 and only then realize my self-care has gone out the window. Take one depleted, exhausted mama and add in the nearly constant energetic demands of two growing kids (not to mention those of a busy acupuncture practice and house to keep) and it’s easy to see how some of the more demanding moments may be met with frustration, overwhelm and tension. It ain’t pretty, folks.

Here’s the thing: I know that I am better able to field family demands with patience, presence and creativity when I am tending to my own needs physically, emotionally and spiritually. I see the pillars of self-care as attention to nutrition, movement, adequate rest and moments of still presence and reflection. But when I am off-center and depleted even the thought of taking on these pursuits makes me tired and overwhelmed. It is this state that has me know I need my acupuncturist as she helps me recalibrate. Just creating the time for an appointment can seem daunting, but I know once I make the time the only work I need do is to show up and allow myself to be taken care of by another person.  

Acupuncture treatment helps me to tune in and feel with clarity what my needs are. By putting me back in the center of my orbit and reconnecting me with my body, treatment renews my commitment to those pillars of self-care. Even if it’s a renewed focus and energy for just one piece of daily self-care, from that flows a better ability to be present to my mothering tasks with patience and ease. It’s common sense and also one of the principles of Chinese Medicine that when the mother thrives the child does as well. Tending myself IS tending my family, and well worth the attention!

I’m lucky to experience this awareness from both the giving and receiving end with acupuncture. What I provide as an acupuncture practitioner is a place to be heard and to reflect on your body’s feelings and functions. What a gift for a mother to spend an hour focused entirely on herself! We identify what is not going as smoothly as it could and with the assistance of needles and essential oils we remind the body of balance, wellness and ease. The benefit of re-centering your energy can be seen in various ways. Getting relief from tense or painful body conditions has an immediate effect on mood and patience. With a calmer, slower mental landscape we are better able to respond to challenges and less prone to overreactions. With the boost to our spirit and a feeling of connectedness that acupuncture provides, our relationships can proceed more thoughtfully and mindfully and we are better able to be the person we aspire to be. I may not be able to provide a good night of sleep or more hours in the day and sometimes that’s just not in the cards with little ones in the game. I get it. But acupuncture treatment has proven time and again to be a powerful tool in helping me to be my best self. The version of me that I hope to offer my family as much as possible.  

It would be my pleasure to help you to do the same.  

Lauren Potts, L.Ac, has been supporting Baltimore area residents, mothers or otherwise for nearly a decade. You can find her practice in north Baltimore at Blue Green Acupuncture and Bodywork.

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